Make Sure the Prize is Worth Winning

I need to take a step back from my shiny new mission of finding happiness to focus on something that I am doing that hampers my happiness over and over and OVER again.

Like I said, I am (As Natalie Lue writes about) a Fallback Girl. I find emotionally unavailable men time and time again. They treat me like an option, I stay for way too long, then I finally get fed up enough and make a dramatic exit.

My particular flavor of Mr. Unavailable is the cheater. But not just the cheater, the cheater that makes me complete for their affection with other women. That being said - I am extremely competitive.

I found that more often than not I would win. In high school I would track down the other woman, say the meanest thing I could think of, and that would usually run her off. So this made me the winner.

Bless my little high school heart.

There is one Mr. Unavailable in particular that I have been in a emotionally desolating tango with, on and off, since I was a teenager. He doesn't actively make me compete with other women, he just casually dangles the other women above my head , sits back and watches the cat fight unfurl in his lap. This means that when I get mad and look to accuse him, he can proudly declare his innocence. Because, after all, he didn’t instigate the feminine power struggle. The seed was already planted, he just gave it a little water.

I was talking to him the other night, he told me about the hot girl he met last weekend. I am so well accustomed to his antics I hardly even felt my competitive nature burn inside me. After 7 years I know he will go off and do what he wants, but he will eventually come back me. I am comfortable, I don't expect too much, I am easy.

But this time I flipped the script. I acted uninterested in this other woman, acted as though I didn't need his attention anyway. I encouraged him to go have fun with the new girl. She suddenly went from being the ultra sexy girl he met in the bar and turned into just a random girl he met in the bar. He said she wouldn't keep him interested for very long, so I shouldn't worry.

I made a comment about how I usually don’t hold his attention for very long either. He said “You know me so well”. I felt a ridiculous rush of triumph at this minuscule amount of validation. I interpreted it as praise. In my mind I had won the battle against this other woman, because I know him so well. The other women come and go, but he always comes back to me. Once again, I am the winner. I have been winning battles with him for years.

Then I had one of those moments. One of those moments where the pieces suddenly click together and you finally understand something that has been evading you.  

I told him “I am the winner, but you are a terrible prize”

What do I win? What is the prize I have been after? I do all this fighting, I continuously swat down my feelings and pretend to be emotionally barren, and for what?  A man who is emotionally unavailable. A man who only wants me when there are no other more exciting options. A man who is manipulating me and wreaking havoc on my self worth and mental health. A man who will literally never reciprocate my love.

So that is my thought for the day. When you're fighting so hard for what you want....

Make sure the prize is worth winning.

-BB

For more information on Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl check out Natalie Lue’s book, and for your sanity...read her blog Baggage Reclaim

Focus On What You Are Doing Right

I guess the first order of business in finding happiness, is figuring out where to look. I spent most of last night searching “how do I find happiness”? I found plenty of ways to try to snag a husband, lose weight to increase self esteem, and find fulfillment in my new career in selling XYZ in some elaborate pyramid scheme. Nothing of any value. Dadgumit.

So with all 25 years of wisdom I have accrued, I think the best place to start is to focus on things that I am currently doing that are moving me in the right direction. 2016 was an extremely hard year, but I made huge strides towards happiness.

Here’s a quick recap on my 2016….

In March I plucked up the courage to leave a marriage in which I was miserable. I packed up clothes for myself and my two sweet little babies, and moved in with my mom. I found a job in OKC that would pay me a whopping $11 per hour (impressive, I know). I hunkered down, and basically went into auto pilot. I don’t really remember much from those 4 months. In a nutshell I took care of my babies, I worked over 40 hours a week, went to school at night, and spent my weekends with my best friend.

In July my dad moved a little 90’s model single-wide trailer house onto some land he had in El Reno. I cleaned every inch of that house (with the help of my BFF). July in Oklahoma is not a pleasant time to be working outside, digging… but my cheap-skate dad insisted we plumb it ourselves. After a TON of sweat and tears, hours of mowing and cleaning, my babies and I finally moved in.

I know most people would be embarrassed to live in a little 17 year old trailer house, much less brag about it on the internet, but y’all I AM SO DAMN PROUD!! (I also sometimes refer to it as Joe Dirt’s house). I have a little piece of heaven out there in El Reno Oklahoma. Its cool in the summer, warm in the winter, and it is all mine. There is a sense of contentment when you mow 5 acres and then look around at your handy-work.

I was able to come out of the fog of depression and start to realize that I had made it, all by myself. I didn’t think I could support myself and two kids on the money I was bringing in, but I did it. I didn’t think I could heal my heart and move on from the shame and pain of my failed marriage, but i did it. I didn't’ think I could be a content single woman, but I sure as hell am doing it.

So 2017 is starting on a blank slate.

A down home Mama, two little babies, & a tiny trailer house

-BB

Searching for Genuine, Undeniable Happness

I have seen “new year, new me” posted on Facebook about eleventy-billion times already. Girls and guys alike talking about the completely ridiculous new diet/exercise plan they will be attempting, a vow to spend more time with friends and family, or finally take the vacation they deserve so much *rolls eyes*. Mostly I’ve kept scrolling and ignored it (but mentally noted to see how these resolutions were doing on February 1st).

Now, I HAVE been doing a bit of reading in the self-help section. Starting with Natalie Lue’s Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl, promptly followed by Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Consequently, a few things have became abundantly clear to me at the end of 2016.

1. I AM A FALLBACK GIRL.

2. I have all the romantic fantasies of a small town Oklahoma girl.

3. What I have been doing IS NOT WORKING.

4. Knowledge is power.

5. The only person I can change is myself.

So, instead of ignoring the 2017 resolutions berating my Facebook news feed, I am going to make some of my own. Now of course as a southern belle who loves cornbread and my best friends Red Beans n Rice I seriously need to lose some weight...but let’s be real. I’ve needed to give up carbs, wine, and Ding Dongs for a while now, hasn't happened yet. So instead of beating a dead horse I am going to come at this resolution thing from a different angle.

Get ready y’all. My 2017 new year resolution *three days late* is…

To be genuinely, and undeniably happy with MYSELF by the end of this year.

I don't know how I am going to do it, I don't really know where to start or how to get there, but I am committed to actively searching out happiness in every aspect of life. I am committed to stop sitting in the passenger seat and watching everyone around me find happiness while I wonder what I am doing wrong. Sitting around and wondering what I am doing wrong IS NOT the same as taking action to figure out what makes ME HAPPY! So for the first time in my 25 years, this down home darlin' is gonna take the wheel, and blaze a new trail.