Make Sure the Prize is Worth Winning

I need to take a step back from my shiny new mission of finding happiness to focus on something that I am doing that hampers my happiness over and over and OVER again.

Like I said, I am (As Natalie Lue writes about) a Fallback Girl. I find emotionally unavailable men time and time again. They treat me like an option, I stay for way too long, then I finally get fed up enough and make a dramatic exit.

My particular flavor of Mr. Unavailable is the cheater. But not just the cheater, the cheater that makes me complete for their affection with other women. That being said - I am extremely competitive.

I found that more often than not I would win. In high school I would track down the other woman, say the meanest thing I could think of, and that would usually run her off. So this made me the winner.

Bless my little high school heart.

There is one Mr. Unavailable in particular that I have been in a emotionally desolating tango with, on and off, since I was a teenager. He doesn't actively make me compete with other women, he just casually dangles the other women above my head , sits back and watches the cat fight unfurl in his lap. This means that when I get mad and look to accuse him, he can proudly declare his innocence. Because, after all, he didn’t instigate the feminine power struggle. The seed was already planted, he just gave it a little water.

I was talking to him the other night, he told me about the hot girl he met last weekend. I am so well accustomed to his antics I hardly even felt my competitive nature burn inside me. After 7 years I know he will go off and do what he wants, but he will eventually come back me. I am comfortable, I don't expect too much, I am easy.

But this time I flipped the script. I acted uninterested in this other woman, acted as though I didn't need his attention anyway. I encouraged him to go have fun with the new girl. She suddenly went from being the ultra sexy girl he met in the bar and turned into just a random girl he met in the bar. He said she wouldn't keep him interested for very long, so I shouldn't worry.

I made a comment about how I usually don’t hold his attention for very long either. He said “You know me so well”. I felt a ridiculous rush of triumph at this minuscule amount of validation. I interpreted it as praise. In my mind I had won the battle against this other woman, because I know him so well. The other women come and go, but he always comes back to me. Once again, I am the winner. I have been winning battles with him for years.

Then I had one of those moments. One of those moments where the pieces suddenly click together and you finally understand something that has been evading you.  

I told him “I am the winner, but you are a terrible prize”

What do I win? What is the prize I have been after? I do all this fighting, I continuously swat down my feelings and pretend to be emotionally barren, and for what?  A man who is emotionally unavailable. A man who only wants me when there are no other more exciting options. A man who is manipulating me and wreaking havoc on my self worth and mental health. A man who will literally never reciprocate my love.

So that is my thought for the day. When you're fighting so hard for what you want....

Make sure the prize is worth winning.

-BB

For more information on Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl check out Natalie Lue’s book, and for your sanity...read her blog Baggage Reclaim